Candide

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 11:40:56 GMT

I've decided to try and wipe the slate clean. I'm sick of holding on to past issues and old resentments. I mean, lets face it, most of the bad feelings came about by incredibly petty incidents in the first place so here it is:
To everyone I have been angry with or have disliked or been ignoring for any reason; I'm over it, no bad feelings on my part.
To anyone who is angry with me or dislikes me or resents me for any reason; Post your complaint here and I'll explain my reasoning and we can both get over it and move on.
And to anyone I've ever hurt in any, way, shape or form; I'm very sorry, I have been a tremendous dickhead at times and if I've never apologised for it it's because I never realised or I was too damn stubborn too, and I'm sorry for that as well.
In light of it all here's my new journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lemynaed
I'll still keep this one so I can keep all the old memories and stoof but I think I'm gonna use the new one from now on. Feel free to add me.
Goodbye old shiteiness

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 04:30:47 GMT

My life is a shitehole.

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 12:05:16 GMT

I'd rather not see anyone for a while, so don't call and please stop dropping around uninvited. Thanks.

RANT!

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 08:22:01 GMT

Man, I am such an assmonkey. I wasn't meaning to act like a whorebag last night, it's just really good catching up with him and I have fun being around him that plus the fact that I only knew four people there and wasn't in the mood to make new friends means that people (one in particular who I much dislike because she's a judgemental bitch when she very obviously has no right to be) think that I'm some kind of pathetic slut! It's not fair, I do not see why I'm not allowed to feel comfortable and be friend-like with my exboyfriend, I mean c'mon! I hit on all my mates when I'm drunk, and it's okay coz they're just mates. Bah, yet again I let my guard down and just do what I want and everyone shits on me for it. Broadcast to the world: I love my boyfriend very much and I worked hard to get him, I'm not about to screw everything up by cheating or anything. The ex is just a friend, who it's fun to laugh about the past with or to take the shit out of. So get the hell off my back nasty little individuals who think they can make assumptions when they don't know me. GRAHGH! This isn't really directed at anyone, just venting.

I am a cheerleader

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 10:19:29 GMT

Congrats to all the spiffy lil monkies who got through their exams and good luck to all my gorgeous lil chickens who have their final exams tomorrow! I love you all! GO TEAM!

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 14:10:24 GMT

Just watched Saved, it made me so angry, I sat on the end of my bed balling my eyes out and punching my doona. I think whatever happened has affected me more than I previously realised.

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 11:22:50 GMT

um im feeling really bad but i cant describe it its like being lonely or something only at the same time i dont want to see anyone i dont feel as though i like anyone or anything but then its like something is missing i dont know the only good thing in my life right now is zack its kinda sad only having one thing in your life that you like sigh i dunno why im still awake

I'm possibly dying

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 08:19:44 GMT

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm getting short but debilitating migrains every day, usually 2-5 of them and they last between 15 minutes and 2 hours each time. I'm also cold-sweating in my sleep again which is irritating as fuck because I hate having to get up every 3 hours and wipe my body down with a towel and then change my top sheet, my pillow and the side of the bed I'm sleeping on.
It's really upsetting me.

Disgusting love stuff

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 10:08:30 GMT

I'm really crap. I luff luff lufff my boy!
I gave him his Warlock on Friday and he saw Killswitch last night and he's happier than I've seen him in ages. I knew he was feeling pretty miserable but it didn't hit me just how miserable until he walked in the door last night and grinned at me and I realised I hadn't seen that grin in weeks. Obviously him being down was affecting me and our relationship more than I thought because I feel marginally good for the first time in a while and not at all like I'm waiting for the axe over our happy little relationship to fall. YAY FOR STUFF! Even stuff that makes me pathetic and squishy. I'm still sad he went home though, hopefully he's enjoying his birthday present.
In other news; a fly just tried to crawl up the premier's nose whilst he was being interviewed, hehehe, go lil fly!

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 11:16:40 GMT

Not feeling so good.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 06:48:15 GMT

Yeah, thanks everyone for giving a fuck.
New Tally = 86 hrs, 10 hours sleep, An entire bottle of vodka to get 3 hours sleep last night.

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 11:50:22 GMT

70 hours, Approximately 7 of them were spent sleeping,29 of them have been spent working, 6 have been spent being pissed, 6 spent cleaning, 5 spent running errends, and the rest have been spent mooching around the house or TRYING to sleep. My mother knows this, yet for some reason I am SERVING at her freaking birthday party. I was supposed to just be here and chat to her mates but only my cousin is interested in any kind of conversation with me and even she seems reluctant. So as things would have it I ended up doing, well, waitressing. AM. NOT. IMPRESSED! It may be her birthday but if you ask me it's a tiny little bit selfish of her asking a girl who is so tired she's having auditory hallucinations, blood noses, back spazms, burning skin visual hallucinations and blood noses to be your buttmonkey all night. Meh, I'll do it anyway, but she owes me.

Tiredness makes me weird.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 13:33:15 GMT

Indeed it does my faggy fiends. As does much work and too much prescription medication. I shall now share with you all my latest weirdness-inspired mind trip:

Here are your new nicknames. As my mind works in bizarre and offputting ways if you'd like to understand why I've chosen your or some other dildo's name please, express that desire in a comment. Anyone telling me my nicknames are retarded, pretentious or in other way undesirable will have their doorstep shat apon by Islamic militants and a clap-infested llama in dire need of some fibre in it's diet.
Here we go!:
Zack - Ganj
Elliott - Rent boy
Max - Obie
Dylan - Xan
Jacc - Coke
Yana - Ling
Ash - Mose
Kiri - Sade
Me - Phin
If you haven't got a name and want to know why, it's probably because I've exhausted my creativity for today or I've forgotten you exist comment if you want.

Bored

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 09:15:23 GMT

BOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBORED.
In conclusion; Bored.

Random spewage!

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 16:34:59 GMT

I had a headache today, and then I got ready to go out and it got worse, and then I had a 5 minute lye down and then it got better and then it got a lil shitty again, so I ate some dinner and then...I spewed all over the toilet and the wall and my hair.
It was random.

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 05:37:30 GMT

This is a rather unfortunate event, I shall now proceed to make a list of things exboyfriends should not do.

1. Grow Zac Hansonesque hair that somehow strangely suits them.
2. Hug you upon first sighting in 3 years.
3. Ignore your blatent attempts at advertising your new boyfriend loudly and to anyone who'll listen (you're supposed to be overcome with jealousy/curiousity and ask about them!)
4. Be generally civil and open to conversation.
5. Have no contact with the your worst enemy (aka Kyle, the cousin).
6. Make you feel really sorry for them for the bad things they've been through.
7. Fall back into the old familiarity within an hour.
8. Take you to buy smokes.
9. Tell you that you two need to talk about things that happened.
10. Take you somewhere quiet yet not suspectly private and proceed to blow all your illusions of him being a complete wanker and that the reason he broke up with you was simply an excuse.
11. Kill your illusions that he was never completely in love with you.
12. Inform you he never wanted to break up with you and wanted to call you so many times in the past 3 years but was too worried that you hated him.
13. Tell you he's only had one 4month relationship since you two broke up and he spent the entire time wishing she was you.
14. Tell you he never thought you were fat.
15. Tell you you look great.
16. Put his arm around you to stop you freezing to death.
17. Say 'Maybe we'll happen again.'
18. Have similar personality/mannerisms as your current boyfriend.
19. Swap numbers with you and agree to catch up and be mates.

Lesigh I am fairly confused by this strange and somewhat horrible turn of events.

SWB

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 13:07:29 GMT

BAH! I was quite happily asleep nekked on my 'puter room couch until my mother saw fit to turn her shit music up very loudly and cackle and squeal with her imbecilic friends, I mean c'mon woman! I've had one day off work in the last 10, I'm bloody exhausted and when I try and catch a bit of shuteye you and your drunken posse selfishly interrupt my naptime! ARHGH! Now I have a massive headache and a rather cranky disposition, also peeved that I can't have a smoke or get dindins because the spanish inquisition is waiting for me downstairs. 'Hi Emmy!!!! Come sit down! How are you? What are you doing? How's work? Who's the boyfriend? How's the boyfriend? How's the sex?' Well maybe the last one wont be put so straightforwardly and there will be much slurring of words and drunken screaming but that's basically how it will go. God how I hate Secret Womens Business.

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 12:41:30 GMT

I declare my phrase for the rest of tonight and the entirety of tomorrow to be 'WTF MATE!?'

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 16:47:20 GMT

After thinking it over for a while I've decided I do blame myself. Not because that's what they always do in movies but because I am, in part at very least, to blame. I should have seen it, I should have done all that I could but I wanted to believe it wasn't happening. I'm so self-absorbed I wanted to think that if I was getting better everyone else would be too. I hate myself for not seeing what Max could, for deliberately not seeing what Max could. I used to be a so much better person, I used to be THERE. Why didn't I try harder!?

Zack's enthusiasm is infectious.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 11:55:43 GMT

He's inspired me. It's so strange, for as long as I can remember I've never wanted to do anything with my life, I was simply existing not particularly interested in experiencing anything. But in 6 short months he's somehow managed to make me see a point to it all, I'm excited about life, possibly for the first time ever. The only downside to this is the fact that I MAY, possibly, want to do too much...ie EVERYTHING! I want to experience EVERYTHING! For giving this to me I am eternally greatful to him.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 08:54:57 GMT

I've had the best 4 day vacation from reality EVER. Watched a ton of movies, had a ton of sleep and even more cuddles. There was a fair ammount of play fighting and lotsa laughing, especially when Mum came home whilst we were in the bath and we had to execute a millitary style manouvre to remove Zack from the bathroom without my mother noticing (We pulled it off but I got seriously scolded for 'managing to spill so much damn water all over the bathroom!'). Although I must admit that after spending 4 days with the most fantastic barbecue chip in the whole world I've decided I'm fat, ugly and I snore too much and it all must be remedied immediately! Seeing as I have no willpower and am rather exhausted this will be quite hard, perhaps I can just use the fact that he calls me 'my lil piggy *insert belly prod here*' and likes to rub my bellie whilst cooing 'bubbie!' as motivation. Trust me to loose all my pudge then get a boyfriend who weighs bloody 48 kilos just to make myself feel better. Bah! my neck hurts :(

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 13:13:10 GMT

I have a confession to make (although you may already know this): I fucking hate going out.
I'm so sick of people and I'm so sick of going to shitty places that are supposed to be a blast, but really fucking aren't, simply because it's normal to wanna go to them. I hate clubs, concerts, big parties, all of that kind of shit! Am I'm never going to bother attempting to go out again because it's always fucking crap and I always come home drunk, tired and more depressed than when I left.
What's worse is that I hate myself for not wanting to go, I hate myself for not enjoying all the things I'm supposed to. I hate myself for wanting to spend my time sitting on my couch, drinking vodka and pigging out alone or cuddling or smoking in my backyard. I hate that even when I do those things I'm still not really having fun. I'd like to have fun.

To my daughters.

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 16:33:48 GMT

Yes, I'm pissed, so what? Doesn't mean what I'm about to say isn't true.
I've tried to look after you (you few know who you are) from the beginning, whenever that beginning may have been for us. So many times I have slipped up, slipped into selfishness, I've never been a good mother and I'm sorry, you'll never know how sorry I am.

4 day Headache

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 12:57:14 GMT

I would draw a picture of my headpain but it would be red and swirly and hurt people's eyes. I hate head owwies :(

I rekon

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 06:46:18 GMT

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
"Imagine, right, imagine the part of you that was you when you're speaking to me, isn't you, but that the you that's yu when that's happening, the real you is the you that ... Shit, what was I saying? It's all about society, isn't it? Morality's just ... What?"